Everybody knows that I am quite possibly one of the world’s biggest Whoopi Goldberg fans. Having been fed a healthy Whoopi diet from a very young age, I have had the pleasure to watch and support her throughout her eclectic career, including her brief stint in London’s West End when she was in Sister Act: The Musical. I even dedicated an entire week to her on this blog, counting down her top five best movies.
I thought that she could do no wrong, but that was only when I was watching her at her best, ignorantly and naively ignoring that she could have low points in her stellar career. And as much as it pains me to say it, I was terribly, terribly wrong. For every great film she has made, there are three awful ones. For every Ghost, there’s Monkeybone, Kiss Shot, and Eddie. Why Whoopi- why did you make this utter crap? Did you do it for the money? Did you do it for the fame? Did you do it because you couldn’t do anything better? Or did you do it because you are unable to see just how bad a film might turn out?
Regardless of her reasons why, it happened, and because of this, fans like me have had to sit through some awful, horrible excuses for entertainment: movies so bad that they aren’t even ‘so bad they are good’- they are just dreadful. I have wasted many precious hours of my life hoping to find some diamonds in the coal, unfortunately coming to the realisation that Whoopi has made more bad movies than good ones... We all know that when Whoopi makes a good film, it’s brilliant, but as I have discovered, when she makes a bad film... it’s dire.
So I now present to you, Whoopi’s worst mistakes- the movies that you definitely should avoid at all costs, if only to continue having an illusion of Whoopi as an actress that only makes classic cinema gold. Oh Whoopi... how could you unleash these onto the world? How could you do this, not just to me, a loyal fan, but to the entire human population, and to yourself, forever tarnishing your golden reputation?
Kiss Shot (1989)
The Plot
Whoopi plays a single mother who loses her job and so can no longer support herself and her child. So she does what any mother would do: she becomes a pool hustler and enters a pool tournament to win a large sum of money, falling in love with her main rival along the way.
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| Whoopi is keeping her eye on the prize... |
Why is it so bad?
The above plot synopsis is about as intelligible as Kiss Shot gets, mainly because most of the film lacks any kind of cohesion or comprehension. Kiss Shot is a classic example of when no one even bothered to read the script to see if it was any good, but was made into a movie regardless.
Worst Moments
- Just when Whoopi is about to play the final game, the one to win it all, the film decides NOT to show us the match, and instead shows Whoopi with a big satchel of money in a flashy sports car, running into a bank to pay off her debts, assuring us that she won.
- Not only does she win, but the man she beats, who she has also fallen in and out of love with during the course of the film, has cheated on her. This situation is quickly and nonsensically resolved by showing them kissing one another at the end, offering no explanation at all for how or why they got back together... I guess they forgave each other?
Burglar (1987)
The Plot
Whoopi plays a burglar, who steals things. I can’t actually remember much more about the film because it was so awful and I lost interest. Something about a diamond or possibly a murder or something? Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?
Why is it so bad?
I actually turned this off half way through, an unknown and extremely rare thing for me to do in any movie, let alone a Whoopi movie. I have sat through a lot of crap in my lifetime, but this film was beyond bad... it was unforgivably awful: the fact I remember nothing about it proves my point.
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| Motherbikes and leather catsuits have never been so sexy... |
Worst Moments
The whole film is a mess, but the worst offense is probably the fact that Whoopi has a supposedly ‘funny’ sidekick (that man with the high squeaky voice from Police Academy) who is gay, and since this is an 80’s film I think we are meant to be laughing at him for being so... How times have changed.
The whole film is a mess, but the worst offense is probably the fact that Whoopi has a supposedly ‘funny’ sidekick (that man with the high squeaky voice from Police Academy) who is gay, and since this is an 80’s film I think we are meant to be laughing at him for being so... How times have changed.
Monkeybone (2001)
The Plot
Brendan Frazier plays the creator of a mischievous cartoon monkey, dies in an accident, and said cartoon monkey then takes over his body and he has to escape hell and try to evict the fictional monkey from his corpse so he can come back to life...
Just read that sentence again and try and decide whether or not the movie was successful in pulling that off...
Why is it so bad?
Not only is Monkeybone the worst film Whoopi has ever been involved in, it is quite possibly one of the worst films ever made. I’m sure on paper, it might have possibly sounded good: a film based on a famous comic strip about a crazy monkey, starring Brendan Frazier, Bridget Fonda and Whoopi Goldberg. Sure: that part sounds... interesting. But when you explain the actually plot, and then try to put this on screen as an actual movie, it all falls apart.
Worst Moments
- Whoopi is only in the film, briefly, as a cameo, in hell, as the Devil, who likes to takes her head off and throw it around. Perhaps she thought it would be a fun role to play, or maybe she got paid a truck load of cash: either way, she should have just said no.
- Anything involving the monkey.
- The fact that this film probably destroyed Bridget Fonda’s career.
- Any moment with Brendan Frazier, who is famous for being a caveman, a brain-dead rocker and George of the Jungle. Even he is too good for this!!!
- The fact that this is probably one of the worst films ever made and that whoever watches it should be given an hour and a half of their lives back to them on behalf of the filmmakers just about sums it up.
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| Whoopi as Death. With an eyepatch. This film is just too awful for words. |
Theodore Rex (1995)
The Plot
In a futuristic world, the toughest crime fighting cop (played by Whoopi) is given a new partner... a tyrannosaurus rex. And together they have to solve a murder (of a dinosaur, in what is called a 'dinoside'). It sounds too awful to be true, but if you want to see it for yourself, just watch this trailer:
Why is it so bad?
This is the only film on the list I haven’t seen, the reason for this being that the movie was buried on release- pushed straight to video instead of getting a theatrical showing- doesn’t that prove how bad it is meant to be?!? According to IMDB, the cast and crew thought that the T-Rex would be computer animation, not a man in an animatronic costume, so almost everyone wanted to leave the film as soon as it went into production, including Whoopi herself, who was taken to court for $20 million!! In the end she made the film, and was paid $7 million for her time... luckily it didn’t sink her career, but it certainly didn’t enhance it. So for once, this is a film so terrible that even Whoopi herself realised it was rubbish...
Worst Moments
- It’s meant to be a comedy, but with a talking rubber dinosaur getting all the jokes (most of them being about flatulence), is anyone really going to be laughing (except for whoever got paid to write the script)?
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| Whoopi plays a tough cop with a T-Rex as a partner. Need I say any more? |
Alice in Wonderland (1999)
The Plot
Alice falls downs a rabbit hole, into a drug induced wonder world.
Why is it so bad?
This unintelligible remake of the classic tale has an all star cast, but little else. The graphics are pretty crappy, and the story makes little sense (not that the original material is exactly easy to understand). For a film about eating magic mushrooms and having tea parties with Walruses, it is incredibly monotonous and boring. Whoopi plays a nightmarish version of the Cheshire cat, her face awfully digitally imposed onto a cat’s body, and gets less than three minutes of screen time in a film that drags on for over two and a half hours. Nobody deserves to suffer through this. Nobody.
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| Seriously, this image of Whoopi will forever haunt my nightmares. |
Worst Moments
- Whoopi herself takes a character that is already horrific enough, and makes it even more disturbing.
- The terrible English accents from all the cast.
How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998)
The Plot
A 40 year old successful businesswoman and single mother takes a vacation with her best friend (Whoopi) to Jamaica where she falls in love with a 'sexy' 'young' man.
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| You're not the only one bored with this movie, Whoopi... |
Why is it so bad?
This is a contentious choice, as many critics and viewers hail this movie as a ‘classic’, but I have no idea why. The main two reasons why How Stella Got Her Groove Back is crap are simple casting decisions: Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs. Angela Bassett... I just can’t stand her anyway, but in this film she plays some annoying haggard dried up old bitch. And as for Taye Diggs, well his incredibly racist and awfully bad Jamaican accent alone successfully puts the Civil Rights movement back several decades, and along with his bad acting, he probably made sure that only Denzel got all the lead roles for black men for years afterwards.
Worst Moments
- Whoopi, in all fairness, is the only good thing about this film, but she dies (SHE DIES!!! HOW DARE THEY KILL OFF WHOOPI!!) halfway through and after that point the film goes from bad to awful.
- I don’t think Stella even did ‘get her groove back’ because firstly, she didn’t have it to begin with, and secondly, if you count an older woman sleeping with a ‘young’ man (40 year old looking Taye Diggs is meant to be 18 or something) getting her groove back then it once again shows society's sexist view that women have to be defined by whether or not they are attractive to and successful with the opposite sex...
Made In America (1993)
The Plot
A young black woman discovers that her father, who was conceived by her mother via a sperm donor, is in fact a white car salesman.
Why is it so bad?
I don’t even understand how this film got made! I know that Ted Danson and Whoopi were a couple at the time (as shocking as that may seem) but who thought that a plot involving a possible mix up at the sperm bank would be fun family viewing? Especially when Nia Long is clearly not mixed race- she may be light skinned, but she’s black- which makes the ‘twist’ at the end painfully obvious.
Worst Moments
- Any film that makes Will Smith look like a complete loser is definitely one to hate- maybe he was trying to show his acting range or something- because in this he comes across as really annoying, and it makes him look like a bad actor.
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| Love at first sight...? |
Moonlight and Valentino (1995)
The Plot
This film is so awfully forgettable that I literally can’t even remember what the storyline is. All I know is that four women talk about their lives and loves and losses and watch Joni Bon Jovi struggling to act as he paints a house or something.
Why is it so bad?
It’s slow and boring, tedious and dreary. It’s ironic that a film about a woman watching a house painter is as thrilling as watching paint dry.
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| Nice bow, Whoopi! |
Worst Moments
- Whoopi is the best friend of the main character, and they have an argument, but then realise that they have to stick together, cos that’s what women do. I think this is meant to be an inspiring moment, but instead it is insipid.
- Jon Bon Jovi trying to act. Need I say any more?
Boys On The Side (1995)
The Plot
Whoopi is a lesbian lounge singer who falls in love with a straight woman, who she turns gay, and they go on the run with a young and pregnant Drew Barrymore who has just murdered her abusive boyfriend.
Why is it so bad?
I hate this film- I just hate it!! It’s so awful!! So many things about this movie are terrible! Just read the worst moments below, because sadly, I’ve pretty much summed up Boys On The Side in it’s entirety, and believe me, it is even more awful then it sounds.
Worst Moments
- Together, the women on the run learn about life, love and sisterhood on a road trip that allows Whoopi to both show off her vocal range, and her sexy side, as she takes part in disturbing lesbian sex scenes. That’s correct, you did just read that. LESBIAN SEX SCENES involving WHOOPI.
- Matthew McConaughey randomly pops up as a policeman who unrealistically becomes smitten and falls in love with Drew Barrymore and then arrests her and puts her in prison after she gives birth. They then continue to have a relationship while she is in prison, but she is quickly released (even though she is a murderer), along with her baby, and Drew and Matthew live happily ever after.
- For absolutely no reason at all, Whoopi’s lesbian lover dies of AIDS and then the film concludes with Whoopi leaving her life behind to go on yet another road trip to ‘discover’ herself.
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| Happy Birthday Whoopi! |
Eddie (1996)
The Plot
Limo driver Eddie (Whoopi), an avid basketball fan, wins the opportunity to become the coach of the New York Knicks.
Why is it so bad?
In comparison to the rest of the films on the list, Eddie is by no means the worst sounding film. It starts out well, but rapidly deteriorates due to weird sub plots and the fact that nothing much really happens. But the worst and most insane thing about this film has to be its ending. The whole way through we are told how important it is to get to the playoffs, and so as the team progresses, we, the audience, assume that the film will end with the team playing in the playoffs, and winning. But this doesn’t actually happen. They show the playoffs qualifying game (in full) and as soon as they win, Whoopi jumps up screaming ‘we won!’ and the credits roll over her face and the movie abruptly ends. When I watched this, I couldn’t quite believe it. Nothing was resolved, and we didn’t even see if the team won the playoffs or not. It was just crazy: the film seems to just stop half way through the storyline, almost as if someone threw the rest of the (poor) script in the bin and said ‘We’ve gone over budget, let’s just not finish the film’. To this day, I still don’t understand what the hell the point of Eddie was; accept as a giant endorsement for New York basketball.
Worst Moments
- The ending. The terrible terrible ending.
- The cowboy coach that seems to be a love interest, but then disappears after he argues with Whoopi, only to come back again at the end to talk to a crowd of basketball fans.
- The fact that, to be honest, Eddie was probably just made as an advertisement for both the New York Knicks, and New York City, which would explain why an entire real life basketball team, and both Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani cameo as themselves (seriously, they do).
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| We don't know what you are supposed to be doing either! |
Bogus (1996)
The Plot
Whoopi’s best friend dies, leaving her son an orphan, and making Whoopi his carer. In order to cope, he creates an imaginary friend called Bogus, a French magician, who helps him to smile again.
Why is it so bad?
Apart from the fact that Gerard Depardieu plays Haley Joel Osment’s imaginary friend, this whole film is just a steamy pile of crap. It tries it’s hardest to be sentimental and touching, but doesn’t manage to pull it off. It doesn’t deal with death or becoming an orphan in a sensitive way at all. But the worst crime against humanity that comes from Bogus is that fact that Whoopi’s character is really detestable! Don’t ask me why, but she comes across really negatively, even making me dislike her, something that I thought could never be possible!! Perhaps she just didn’t give a rat’s ass when filming, or perhaps something was lost in translation, but whatever it was, making Whoopi look bad when she isn’t intentionally playing a nasty character is just unacceptable.
Worst Moments
- Any scene involving either Bogus or that annoying child from The Sixth Sense.
- Not only does Bogus turn out to be real, but Whoopi starts seeing him too, and then ballroom dances with him in an actually ballroom!! To be fair, at least Whoopi finally gets a chance to look glamourous, but what is meant to be a heart warming and endearing finale instead is as effective as crap smeared on toast. What were they thinking?!?
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| The ballroom dancing finale. |
Honourable mentions:
- Homie Spumoni (2006) a movie starring one of the doctors from Scrubs about a black man raised in an Italian family, unaware that he is actually black. Although I haven’t actually seen it, it sounds like a rip off of The Jerk to me (which is bad enough), but Whoopi obviously thought it was good enough to be a part of.
- Bordello Of Blood (1996), a Tales From The Cryptkeeper movie about vampires and sex. Whoopi is in it for literally ten seconds as a hospital patient who demands for quiet because she is ‘trying to sleep’ while the main character is killing a vampire. Sadly, her moment in the film is the best bit of the whole movie.
A special announcement:
I would just like to say Happy Birthday to Whoopi, who is 56th today! Some might think it odd to upload an article that is ‘negative’ and critical of her, but I only wrote this because I love and respect her so much! The fact that I have actually sat through these atrocities speaks volumes!
So Happy Birthday Whoopi!
And please- don’t make any more terrible mistakes!
As a aside, this article is named after the hilarious sketch made for Tim and Eric’s awesome show, with a fantastic (and slightly haggard) Whoopi double. Watch it here.
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